blame it on YOU.

I didn't realize I haven't written this new year.
Anyways, it's not off to a good start, thank goodness my optimistic level is higher than usual.
I did cry, the other day, no matter how petty it sounded, it still broke my self-esteem.
I can't believe I hated myself for one day because of some ruthless teacher.

Anyways, just wanted to write about something I RARELY talk about nowadays.

I have NO IDEA, why I don't draw anymore. Not that I have to do it all the time, but I haven't fixated my skills that much for almost 6 months now. And I really think it's because I am not inspired at all. Before kasi, because of *ahem* [youknowho] there was another feeling of both happiness & sadness which I could magically express in my works. It may look colorful at first but the B and W traces make it seem so complicated, as what my life was before.

I just can't get over the fact that just because I have "closed" my doors to him and i end up not doing any freakin piece of art at all.

I blame him for that :(

That's really, really, really weird.

Oh, speaking of weird, I was just asked to join the cotillion - WHAT?
Well, of course, me being scared to break a leg dancing, declined. I can't dance.

Haha. No, seriously, it was because I already have a dress.
I know, bilis noh? I'm too lazy to go have my dress done. Twas just off the rack. Pretty decent anyway.

And uh, speaking of bilis, I'm turning sixteen in a few days.
GREEEEEAAAAAT.
It's one of the birthdays I don't look forward to - awkwardly.
Hope it makes me feel much better about myself. 'Cause sometimes I still see my flaws as a person. But whatever. No time to emo-ishly think of those stuff. I'm pretty much busy because I spent yesterday and today watching TV and laptop-ing because! I'm so sick of schoooool. Really sick of it. I wish it was over like snap.

But what are we to do, right? I hope I could endure 2 more crazy busy hectic painstakingly annoying hell months.

good night / day . it's 45 minutes past midnight. :)

what?!

Okay. I just spent the whole day in bed lying, sitting upright, watching Twilight on YouTube, surfing random stuff about the net. And it was a hell lot of boring. Plus, our TV's broken down! It sucks. Really does.

What sucks more is I got this from my friend and I went to perezhilton's website [haha. i don't do this all the time, the last time I did was to know gossip on the Jonas Brothers :O] here's the link: http://perezhilton.com/2008-12-23-filipino-version-of-twilight-to-begin-production-soon

My goodness.

I stumbled at the thought. And the first word that came to me was like, Ang Corny! My gad. Not to be bad or something but I really don't like it. And I think half of us don't as well. Tsk.

Besides, I'll be busy studying when they air that. haha. I rarely watch TV on weekdays.

But still, disgusting.

X_X

- - - - - - - -
I have absolutely nothing. to do right now. and yeah, again, I feel so weak [when do I not?].

sick

If I knew myself completely, I can say that me being sick now is because of my lactose intolerance thingy.

And it's killing me to death.

But, even if this didn't occur right now, I'd still plan to stay home and lock myself here, mainly because I need some time to meditate of some sort. Nah, just kidding. I just want to make art, that's all.

So is it going to be MY fault if I don't go out with my relatives today?

My *crucial* relatives - maternal side speaking here. So I just said I didn't want to go and they make me think I am such a b*tch for not going. Not to be rude but, I don't want to go and not enjoy it. Besides, I've had a couple of experiences like these and I don't plan to render it once again and sink into it. What a waste.

Good thing there's internet at the moment. *Hopefully* it won't be cut off again, else it'll be agony here. It's so boring to death.

And I know it's just the day after Christmas but, seriously, it's like nothing happened. But...I could say yesterday was a so-so Xmas. It was kind of a twist though, at our "party" one of my teachers was there. You know our clan, they are "close" to the teachers. And it's so ironic that all of us who studied in SJ became her student. lol. But at least, her talkativeness did distract me from my boredom there.

I am so dead-pan right now.

So I need to go. And wish me luck for the rest of this vacation.

break

Things are still a maze for me, but, well, at least I'm keeping up. After all, that's the only thing that matters. :)

Anyways, I know it's superrrr late and all and I'm supposed to be asleep but well, I'm not. I crammed today for Hua Wen and I am NEVER ever going to do that again. It's a hell for me. Ugh. I'm so glad PTs are over tomorrow but not glad 'cause I'm sabit [again] in Trigo! And Eng! I'll just hope for the best O_O All I can do now is think positive and hopefully have a fun Christmas. I dont want to repeat my emotic Xmas last year. It just makes me feel wrecked and ironically at the happiest time of the year [except bdays :p]. Actually I have a to-do list during xMAS Break. Haha x)

Things to do on Xmas break:
- Cook for a week.

Yeah, I know. So unlikely but true. Haha since I'm not a big fan of exercising and stuff I'd rather sweat myself off in the kitchen [since I have fun with doing that :)] and whip up yummy [& healthy] meals for breakfast, lunch, merienda & dinner. And yeah for a week. Haha I'm insane. I guess I have to watch Everyday Italian, Healthy Appetite & Barefoot Contessa 24/7. LOL. I did learn a lot from those cooking shows though. Can't wait for it!

- Read Midnight Sun.

Yay finally. :)

- Download more songs and at least make ONE freakin' piece of art

Currently LSS on Jack's Mannequin's The Resolution BECAUSE I saw it awhile ago playing on tv and I was shocked 'cause it's a not so famous song. Hahaha.

As ironic as this sounds, I noticed that after my "end" [ meaning no communication at all and total deadma-ness] with, well, *ahem*, I couldn't draw.

I know. It's so weird. But it's 100% true. All the "masterpieces" I had done - ALL of them had him written on it. Secret Valentine, Hold On, Will The Pieces Ever Fit... [well not all. haha some.] I don't think I have that driving force now. But I'd rather just forget being good at art. I never planned to excel in it anyway. It's kind of like an asset I possess, which would hopefully be of great help to me someday. :)

- Be good.

And not have a hot head.

If I am not obeyed or listened or if something bugs me - even the most random thing, my head gets hot, I get extremely angry. So yeah. I gotta stop that.

:)

And it's half past 12.

GREAT.

I can't wait to be late for school tomorrow. Cannot wait.

fairly odd.

I'd never thought I would see his face again.

All my eyes could see right now are the positive things in life - and here comes a random sene in my life wherein I feel like a ghost in my own self. Wherein I could feel the weakness and vulnerability I had never felt for such a long, long time. I don't know how it ended, maybe it was just really the right way. I couldn't tolerate my own self from being bruised every single day. And now I'm completely patched up [I guess] but what bothers me is that when I ease away from something and rather think of never setting sight on it again, I see it. Like out of the blue.

Just like this morning.

I was actually running late, since I'm overstressed + super sleepy. And I didn't really care if I would be late. I just needed to get to school. So yeah, walking, walking, and in front of my eyes I see someone most unlikely to be late. As he used to tell me he was always "early". Great. As awkward as this sounds he reminds me of Edward Cullen - well I just realized it NOW since my friends keep telling me - but nevertheless I really had to evade him AT ONCE. Even though I was JUST right behind him, and well probably following him up the stairs [since my classroom passes by his] and pretend it was just a coincidence [well, yeah it is actually] and then it would be all right.

False.

If I did do that, which I didn't, I will get pahiya and I'd have myself suffer over a jerk who never cared [well, at least, once only. ONCE!] And besides, I'd rather not see his face. And get struck physically & emotionally. So good for me, I followed my sis and went up the middle stairs.

Ugh. And that's causing some of my frustrations now.

O_O

And I hate it!!! It's flooding over me like a hideous disease.

Like a long lost pain coming back when I least expected it.

But now I'm kind of calmed down, I'm not affected in a "serious" way, I just don't like seeing him. I never will anyway.

NEVER AGAIN.

I finally have internet.
But it doesn't matter. I am as busy as ever.

Currently:
- addicted to the Twilight soundtrack [good choice that i bought one ;)]
- lazy to study [ CHEM sucks! ]
- in the creative mood [ but I have no time to do absolutely anything leisurely, except surf the net, which is what I am doing]
- busy. i haven't bought gifts!

And I have no idea when to complete my xmas08 + bday wishlist! But of course the bday wishlist is still far, so I'm not planning on anything for that yet. Speaking of which, I'm turning 16. Uhh. Okay. Right.

Some of my most-wanted temptations for the season:
> an iPod case. I figured it's better than me just wrapping it in cheap plastic.
> some decent markers. right, as if I could still draw.
> now this one is the 1st on my list. a watch. I used to like STAMPS but, I'm thinking twice on that. and I have no idea what I'm gonna get -> my personal gift. yay.

Ok. Need to go.

Current LSS-es at the moment:
* Supermassive Black Hole by Muse
- super massive! i love the baseball part in the movie. it played this song lol.
* Spotlight by Mutemath
- super nice song.
* I Caught Myself by Paramore
- very awesome.

:)

renewing myself

I have not written for a whole month. AS IN.
I have not checked anyone's blog for a month.
My goodness.

And a lot has changed. Well, in me, I guess. More study-focused and stuff. But my laziness still overpowers it. Haha. Can't wait to watch Twilight tomorrow! But I heard a lot of people saying it's not nice daw. Hmm. I don't know. I'll do the judging tomorrow after watching. Besides, the album's pretty awesome. I like the other songs even if they are "ghost-like" and sort of indie-ish emo rock whatevers. Hahaha.

I don't think anything by far interesting as much has happened right after sembreak. Although I can say I'm quite optimistic now. And I try really hard to control my impatient temper over people I sort of lament on. :D So much for my evilness. I can probably get rid of it by the end of the year.

Hmm...things are somehow fine in a way. Except I really hate the fact that I take too much time spending it on school. Ironically it's an advantage 'cause I won't be harding much of a hard time studying the PTs since I listen to class like for the WHOLE DAY [P.S. even Huawon!] well except AP. *Ahem* I am super sleepy during AP class. As in sleepy talaga. hahaha. So far my grades are stable, except, not sure about my Trigo grades :O Yan lang.

My emotional breakdowns have been gone for about a week and a half now. And I don't expect it to ever come back. *sigh* I hate that vulnerable part of me. And actually as coincidincally as it sounds, my second name actually means "lame" and I looked it up on the dictionary and of course, lame means pilay or not being able to walk but the other definition is actually "weak" which, I really am. So I need to overcome my weakness! Hmm...things are started to get crazy...like a maze of some sort. One day it's this and suddenly the next day it's a whole different aura. I don't even know what's going to happen with my life. But, of course I shouldn't be tinking of it that way. Hopefully the efforts I've put into the things I have been doing will be rewarded someday.

And in my last entry about the "art" thing...let's just say I'm not in creative mood. And I have absolutely no time to draw. I keep cooking eh! Yeah I'm kind of getting a break from studying 'cause sometimes I cook dinner - voluntarily. Haha. So much for my addiction of watching cooking shows. Besides, it's fun. If you get used to it. Haha. But I'm not really leaving art behind. That's always been in me ever since so yeah. Still there. Just, hiding :D lol.

Just some updates.

It's Huawen time.
----------------------------

P.S.

hello people at my cbox. daph - no teasing. just be friendly x)
i have no idea what is up with you guys already.
hopefully i'll read ur blogs and comment and stuff :)
---
who is stalkker....? hello. i have no idea where you got my link.
creepy.
it reminds me of my absclaudine days with -_-, deep, who was that?
ugh they were so confusing.

x0x0

Gone for now~