vague decisions.

As of now, I feel like going to Europe more than that Ateneo ArtsWork thingy.

Uh-oh.

But I'm not so sure if I'd get in YET. I've already submitted the requirements and all. Oh well.

I am waiting for March 13! It's like the judgment of my destiny lol. And we have a party that night so I'm excited :) Tin is going [advantages of having ALMOST the same blood.] :)

I hate PTs :( I hate Chemistry. My quiz average is failing.

I want to go to Europe :(

change is good. really good.

I can't believe how much I've changed way back when I was in First Year. As in I had a fight with lots of people! Grabe! To the extent that my blog [now shut down] was invaded by a hell lot of unidentified people and the one person who I might never forgive for the rest of my life [unless the person says "sorry" perhaps, that person never even did.] almost ruined me at that particular moment in time.

Just removing my emo-ness lately. Hey it did help :) I won't post the link here, but when I read the entry "Counter HATE Post. Wow." it was just now that I felt its intensity, the anger towards me that I didn't dare want to receive from a person just because of defense for another person. Wow. I was an immature freak then - insensitive to what people think.

I saw what a person wrote in my Cbox before [the name is somebody else, just see it] and he/she [unidentified gender] wrote: you're afraid that people look through you rather than you look through them....so what if you're evil and things like that? you never know who you are now...

Looking back on that, I can say yes to all he/she is saying. Maybe I was evil. Yes, I've changed, and I'm glad I did. But as ironic and sarcastic as this sounds, the entries I read from previous blogs of my friends sort of triggered and stopped my depression. It's a psychological thing lol. I'm so vague!

Anyways, from yesterday and today I've had quite a good time. Quite. I did have to cry over him and well, I just needed to so that I would forget in some point the pain I have been given for over 3 years now, and so I could let it all out. But in turn I did talk to a lot of people who I rarely talk to - they really enlightened my day at the least. One of them even gave me advice and stuff. Really nice of 'em :)

Today is so BORING. Kudos though, I can say that our batch play was 100% awesome to the max. It overpowered the Seniors more than 10x in my opinion. As in.

And today is kind of insane. I'm done with the Ateneo ArtsWork application forms, just waiting for my 2x2 pics. Ahhh! I submitted over 9 artworks which my mom helped me choose [mothers know best! :)] hopefully the deliberators would be convinced! I also placed some of my literary works there, like the tribute-to-Seniors-poem, which my mom probably bragged to her friends [I did NOT tell her to do that. lol.] and they thought it was nice. Hmm...so-so :) Whatevs. I'm crossing my fingers! I really want to go!!!

Wish me luck for the rest of the weeks. I am so looking forward to SUMMER. Wow. So long pa.
Okay, in short I'm looking forward to the first week of March so I could know the results.

I'm off :) Hopefully I'll remain in a goody-good mood for the forthcoming weeks. Great. I could stand still and look pretty and out of the blue I am motionless and expressionless. Great.

I wish it won't be that kind of fake-happy. I can never fake my emotions.
But I think I can hide, right? :)

===================================================
Do you see what you've done?
Can you even feel the pain I feel?
I trap myself, I deprive myself
Of my own happiness all because of you
I lock my doors, yet I open my windows
Searching for long lost answers
Remembering the kept secrets
Yearning for a better path I am to take
Wanting tomorrow to be a brighter day
For you & me, both.
Whatever would happen I would accept
Despite rejection, despite agony
At least I have been given a response
A reply to the queries I have had for so long
Help me seek the truth
Buried beneath the dwelling lies
Help me learn to let go
The pain I've been keeping for so long
For if my yesterday haunts me until eternity
I doubt I could survive more years of my entity.


Wow. On the spot poem! x) Told you I was in the mood - it shows :)

Take me now.

I wish it would end.

I really wish it would.

psychological disorders

This is the real world.

Yes, it is. A place where self-image is a big issue. A place where no one cares what you think, it's more of how you look.

- That was what my cousin told me awhile ago, 'cause she saw me all emo-emo during our dinner party. So she told me that she'd take me shopping in summer :) Yay :)

Moving on to reality here, I think the best way to describe my psychological sickness is my lack of...i don't know. I don't feel like I lack anything - maybe self-esteem [yes, I lack that A LOT] but other things than that...maybe I lack the ability of trusting people. And I am still aware that all doors have opened their way, welcoming me, but only one remains closed. It seems as if it can be opened anytime, if I could find the key...but I can't find it, it isn't within my reach...

So much for figurative language expressions :[ I have been having bad days lately...and it's really annoying - when will this agony end -__-

I still feel burdened when I really don't have to be at all.

=-=-=-=

I lose my way, but it's not too long before you pointed out. I cannot cry, because I know there's weakness in your eyes. I'm forced to fake, a smile everyday of my life. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even there to start with. - Because of You, Kelly Clarkson

=-=-=-=

A falling star least I fall alone, I can't explain what you can explain. You're finding things that you didn't know, I look at you with such disdain. - It Ends Tonight, AAR

=-=-=-=

Maybe you could not believe it when my love for you was blind. But I couldn't make you see it, couldn't make you see it.

Reality is crashing through the floor. - Blind, Lifehouse

=-=-=-=

:D / D:

Happy today :)
Because of staying after dismissal :)
Babaw ko but, you know me. I get happy easily lol. I saw my partner haha. Kumakaway kaway pa and he said "Hi partner!" Haha so I smiled back. I don't think I can thank him enough for a wonderful prom experience. Yihee I get the chills :)

Unhappy today :(
What is wrong with him?
I still feel so unclean with the burden he gives me. It may not show [I hide it well ;)] but I just wish everything would be like before - super super way back. Way, way back.

wow.

Just some short facts about what happened in prom yesterday.
My partner's name is Karl Fabico. He didn't even know I was his partner at first!
Very kind & polite. At least.
Took pictures! :]
Community Dance was very new - but I did enjoy dancing with my partner :) First & last.
Bitin yung slow dance.
Roamed around the whole venue to chase teachers for picture-taking :)
CR pictures hahaha.
Took pix with old friends :) Kakamiss.
Slept over at Tin's house. Talked until 2am. Woke up 6am!
Went to Kozui Green Tea. YUM!
SM North Edsa The Block. I was energy-less.
Now I'm home.

It was not what I expected of at all.
:O
Some photos :)

choices

It may sound cliche, but I did realize only today that the choice I made really answered a part of the many questions I've been quering for some time now.

People have their own roads, yes, typical. But I can't believe how much fate or destiny has been involved in letting things happen at a certain time. I'm still in shock right now at how my choice led to something rather unexpected. [wow, so over-the-top. but I guess what did happen today sort of put a pause to my psychological disease :)]

Five words: I did not attend P.E.

Ok. I know I may be OA but I rarely am absent at most things, because I'm not fond of it. But I don't know why I went back home after 15 mins wandering around school grounds. I called EVERYONE I knew, and nobody answered. So it was weird. I entered the school and the minute I did all I thought was, "Are you sure with what you're doing?" my conscience was taking over me. At first I went to the gym, then nobody was there. I kept walking, pacing as slowly as possible. Slowly. I can't believe it - I didn't see anyone I knew, as in NONE. I think I was rather unaware [for once. I'm usually observant] of things so I just kept walking only to realize that they were at the underground gym and I was already late [I arrived 9.45] so I didn't even think of going down to attend PE. My nerves were telling me to get out of the institution.

And so I called my mom, asked her to come back fetch me.

It was so long. I kept waiting, and waiting. Walking to and fro the bookstore era. And just when I went forward through the exit, I saw a shadow and although I wasn't sure, my mind had an obvious idea who that person was.

Of all people.

Truthfully saying I was unconscious at that time. I did see him but my mind was wandering through a lot of thoughts. There was my old friend whom I never talked to for a long time now. I didn't even view it as I would've did when I still "loved" him. It was a different story. Well, yeah, so he nodded, and I raised my eyebrow [I didnt think he did see it] and after that my fetcher was already there, so I walked through the other route [where my fetcher was] and went to places [my mom had to do stuff] and got home.

Wow. I am in shock, still. But, not really now. I'm actually done studying Li Shr for about 3 hours. lol. And when I thought about how weird things happened today, I am not angry at all. At least there was something that I didn't expect, not my usual daily routine sort of thing. I am sick of spending every day bored, watching tv, going to PE - yes, it is boring - and the usual stuff.

What if I did go to PE? I wouldn't think this would still occur. I looked at the time and it said 10.00 And if I was in PE that 10.00 would be the time I started playing badminton with Kristin, probably. If I went to PE I would arrive home around 2 pm already, then I would've studied longer since I still had to go to other places that were in our family's schedule today. I would've not written this. I would've not erased all the emo entries I've had. I would have still felt the sadness I have been feeling for quite some time now. I would have still...

Fate. Fate is what happened. I would probably never in my whole life still have that moment occur.

I think, I made the right, precise choice. Despite everything that should've been. Even if we just nodded or what, I couldn't really explain my feeling about it. And if you were guessing sadness, maybe a little, happiness? not much. A balance of both, or I'm still struggling which side to take.

But I tell you, I'm glad I listened to my instincts. So glad. I feel accomplished. LOL. x)