unclear

Yeah, there's no focal point to where I would lead my life to.
I can't see clearly where it's bringing me.

And you ask, how?

One. My art. Puh-leaseeee. When I drew stuff last year I had more fun doing it rather than now. I did this conceptual really detailed thing last night but I have no idea when will I finish. What's worse i am NEVER improving!

Just so you know: It's hard being an artist. Well the good part is that you open another world for people to see, and most of them are the things unseen that we tend to see in every work of art. And another good part is getting good compliments [I just got one from teachers and it made me really happy :)] BUT the worse part is the critics. Especially me. I criticize myself. Like HELL. I am never going to be proud of myself.

Two. My studies. I have no idea whether I can continue doing my best. I think I've exerted everything for it, I dont even allot time for rest.

Three. Freakin' PTs. Especially Music. UGH I suck at playing Hear You Me! My goodness! I want to play Thunder na lang! Grrrrrr!!!

Four. Everything else.

All the things I used to do before I don't do anymore.

Go visit my old blog and notice how much enthusiasm I put in every entry during schooldays.

With PICTURES [aww I miss the vanity - 723 photos last yr!!!]

And I don't even write in my journal anymore.
Which I don't feel bad about because maybe all the things I used to do were the times I was "in Love" [if thats what u call it] with a JERK [ahem, Daphne :p]

Hahaha.

My life is so jaded.

uselessness

Hay...I'm so tired so I didn't study at all today. As in NONE. Well I will do ALL the studying tomorrow, since on Monday I'll be out. Yay I could get out of here :)

Anyways, hmm...I'm using a laptop I don't actually own x) I want one! Urg! It's wi-fi so I'm downstairs instead of going up to the 3rd floor. It's torture. hahaha.

I went to iLike.com for some song hunting. And I don't know if I like the songs I listed down. I couldn't find pretty decent ones!

And, I'm currently addicted to Nice Piece of Art by FM STATIC! Waaaahhh!! Superrrrr nice!!!

Songs I will download [that I got from iLike]:

• Waste of Time - FM Static
• Let It Happen - Jimmy Eat World
• A Whisper & A Clamor - Anberlin
• Adelaide - Anberlin
• Let It Roll - All Time Low
• Shameless - All Time Low
• Stay Awake - All Time Low
• Reason to Believe - Dashboard Confessional
• In Too Far - Acceptance
• The Letter - Acceptance
• Waiting - RJA [I've known this song since before!]
• Misery Loves Its Company *ahem* *ahem* - RJA
• Atrophy - RJA

Old song revival : I'm currently loving Oh Star by Paramore! Waah! But I didn't like it before. HAHA.

And! I know how to play Thunder by BLG already! Woohoo! Except I need moe practice. MAYBE in Sem Break I might compose a song. It seems fun! Haha. Thunderrrrr :) :)

So much for music hyperness. I also drew awhile ago. Super emo-ish na deadly. A trapped girl. With blood. And ropes. And she can't escape. :O

LOL

-abi

friendships

some pictures from yesterday :)

surprises

All I can do is wait.

September is already coming to a close. And! It's 2 days away from the batch party - which, I really, personally think, is not good. I did not enjoy doing the decorations at all. Besides, would people even know we did it? Would people actually care and notice the hardwork I've put in it? For hell's sake, I had to design ALL the masks of the teachers, and I don't give myself justice for it. I had much more fun doing the backdrop for Scratch last Tuesday. Except. I hated that day.

No, I hated someone that day. How can I not?

I was really busy then he comes around talking some nonsense into the people I was with. Parang papansin effect. And if I did fall for that I'd be in grave danger now. So I'm thankful I just disregarded it.

Hmm...so much for surprises, I have no idea how things would wind up tomorrow. And next week. And next next week - which reminds me! My god! I have so much things ahead of me.

• Sept. 26, Friday - Hua Won test! I need 90+ [first quiz 89 :(] plus, STAY for the batch party - moment of truth. What if they don't like it?
• Sept. 27, Saturday - The batch party.
• Sept. 30, Tuesday - a lot. As in a lot of deadlines, quizzes & stuff.
• Oct. 1 & 4 - no school, but it doesn't mean I'll be off shopping or doing art. I need to attend to my homework!
• Oct. 6, Monday - the start of Minor Exams! Plus, MAPEH quiz and 50% of the PT - I'm so scared I might flunk at playing guitar :( I don't want to let my group down :((
• Oct. 11, Saturday - I have to - really obligated - since it's my kid bro's bday. I can't study Chemistry! huhuhu :(
• Oct. 13-18, Monday - Saturday - Judgment week. Can I still do better?

Ahhhhhhhh!!
I can freak out for the rest of my life.
I've been practicing Hear You Me for 3 days straight...my fingers are probably getting kalyo again. But who cares. My goodness I suck at playing X( Or maybe I'm just too insecure. Ugh. I'm insecure about everything I have anyways. I'm never good enough for myself.

And I'm so dumb! I got a 79 in Geom! First time ever!

Anyways, hmm. Yesterday's field trip didn't even cover up my panicking self. Especially the fact that I DID NOT study in the bus, or read Macbeth. Haha. I figured it wasn't in the fieldtrip spirit to actually do that. Overall, it was...fine. Well I still like last year's, from the F4LSeatmates bonding to the umbrella-frolicking and the late-fetching rainy season. But anyways, it was nice visiting historical monuments. I'm sort of a person who's fond of those things [yes, very ironic] and I like the old houses! I wanna live in those! Unlike the houses now with laptops & PCs and iPOds and aircons...I suppose all they did before was to keep on writing. They had chairs & tables everywhere eh. And even a piano! Hahaha. :)

Ok. Back to reality. I need to:
Make invitations for all 3rd year sections.
Read Macbeth.
Do 5 introductions about cheating.
Study Chinese.
Study EP.
Finish my mask. [it's really ugly]
Do CHem GE.
Practice playing guitar.
AP.

And last.
Make my life a bit better than now.

bleeding emptiness

I just had this wicked theory the other day when I was talking to daph...and telling her EVERYTHING that I've gone through when I was wayy back in 1st Yr....and it makes me realize how much of a waste for me to feel so lonely and crying over a person who did no justic to the love I've given.

It's as if I have no love left in me. None.

And the awkward thing? That very night, I had my heart beats loudly. I swear. And it was really painful.

And how I wish I'd be getting the same amount that I've given away . Someday.

It's so hard!

Super hard!

And I am NEVER going to do artworks about that person EVER. I did one last. Title is Remnant. I need to edit it pa. the psychedelic patterns were so horrid! My pen lost ink kasi.

Even if my Secret Valentine & Hold On deviations have 97 faves na.

Hahaha.

Walang kwenta yung art if I keep seeing it and knowing the real reason behind it.

Tsk. gtg.

Chem! Macbeth! UGH.

newfound sadness

I didn't have time the other day to post my Chapter 0, but I was really planning to post it any way :)

And some of the parts are actually nonfiction - I based it on my awful/painful/hurtful experiences.

Beware: 7 pages! :p

Second Chances

It was the first day of school. She hurried to the door as the bell rang. “Whew! Just in time!” she thought. He walked across the hall, staring at her. He wondered who she was. And then, fate. They were seated together in the classroom. “Hello.” He whispered. She was enthralled by his presence, for his voice was pleasing to hear. She replied with a grin, “Hi, nice meeting you.” Her face was angelic, as she gazed upon the boy beside her. Pinkish glows were seen across her cheeks, accompanying a pretty yet naïve smile. Classes went on, and it was lunch time. A crowd covered the lunch hall, and as she walked her way through a sea of people, she collided with the boy she sat with in class. “W…W…Want to have l…l…lunch?” she inquired. “Sure.” He said. The minutes were ticking by, and they conversed like they had met long before this day came. They started to know a thing or two about each other. He was an athlete, she was a simple girl. He loved Science, she loved music and art. There were differences, yet they were connected through one thing – writing. It was something they both loved doing. He asked if he could chat with her that night, to ask homework and to get to know more about each other. She agreed. It was the end of the first day of school. Yet it was the beginning of a profound friendship.
The sky transformed into the dark blue shade of dusk. Shining stars appeared in the night sky with the cold, silver moon in sight. She was about to turn in when a flash of light flickered at her laptop. “Good evening,” he I.M.ed her. It was obvious he wanted to know more about her. They chatted all night, mostly filled with jokes and laughter. She didn’t notice the time running by. It was half past midnight when their conversation ended. She was speechless as she thought of it while sleeping. Days went by and they grew closer to each other. He would always find time during his training just to see her. He treated her as if they were siblings, even more than that. They spent every single second together as the weeks went on – they basked under the heat of the sun, frolicked under the rain, watched the dawn break and witnessed the beauty of twilight. She was the luckiest girl in the world, she thought. He accidentally touched her hand while he was walking her home under the falling rain. A shock of electricity ran through their veins. Her heart was beating rapidly in a matter of seconds. She didn’t know what to feel. So did he. They were stuck in a moment, wondering where it would take them. The boy, then, knew what he had felt. “Could it be? Have I fallen for her?” were the words rummaging through his confused thoughts.

Weeks after school had begun, mid-terms were up. She wanted to do everything she could to get the highest grades. But how? She couldn’t concentrate and her studying was hindered with the thought of the boy playing with her emotions. She lost control of herself. Her grades dropped suddenly. It felt bad. She didn’t even want to talk about it. He saw her at the corner of the room with tears in her eyes. She felt too weak to be touched by the boy. He clutched her hand and stared into her sad, gloomy eyes. “Don’t worry. You’ll do better next time.” The burden she carried seemed to subtract bit by bit. After all, he was the reason for all the lack of studying.

That day ended bad for her, and he wanted to make her feel better. They conversed that night again, on and on and on and on, until she forgot she had even felt so sad. Their humor was immeasurable – it was like their friendship was meant to be all along. She was feeling so sleepy, she hadn’t noticed some of the things he said. He couldn’t wait anymore. He was so desperate. He fell so fast, it was as if his heart had sunk in his emotions. “I like you,” he told her in a pleasant way. Her eyes widened. “Me?” she thought to herself. She felt a rush of air trapped outside her body, like she couldn’t breathe at all. And then she flashed a wide smile.

It wasn’t easy being said that, a lot of thought ought to be put into mind before saying those words. Sometimes, things might change and everyone becomes blinded by it. But for her nothing seemed to matter. She felt so happy nobody could feel at that instance what she felt. It was so different and surreal. He was happy as well. At least he said what he wanted to say. It was getting better and better. The bond they have had tightened and their relationship evolved as time went on.

There are instances when you experience happiness continuously that you tend to forget the other side of it. Nothing is constant in this world, not even love. People change. Promises are broken. Friendships are destroyed if not maintained. Relationships are ruined if not fixed at once.
The unending downpour of snow meant it was winter time. Classes were off for two weeks. This meant they won’t be seeing each other quite long. He was going some place else for a little vacation. “See you in school. Take Care.” Were his words to her. In fact, his tone was doubtful it seemed as if he isn’t sure if they will ever met once more. Winter was nothing to her. She felt idle in a world of loneliness as she counted each day for him to come back. No one was like him – he treated her a way so special – more than a friend, like a sister, or like someone who changed his life. She waited day, night, day, night, until…

“Good morning, and welcome back.” She heard the teacher say as she rushed up the stairs. He hadn’t seen her yet. He thought he wasn’t going to anymore. His face was painted with guilt for he didn’t save a seat for her. She was surprised as she entered the room. Her seat was occupied by a beautiful girl, with wavy locks and tiny curls at the ends. She was tall, and looked like a model in her uniform. He looked at her displeasingly with a hint of guilt incorporated with a dose of anger. She wondered why, she kept asking to herself why. I thought he had fell for me? She queried over and over. Rumors were that he had replaced the girl he first had a thing for. She went over and greeted him. He smiled wryly, and introduced her to the beautiful girl. Her heart felt like it was being torn apart bit by bit, never possible to be patched up again. “I love her.” He told her over the phone. She resisted the tears that fell from her weary eyes. She endured every bit of pain being thrown to her like sharp knives as he narrated how they met over Christmas Break. He told her, “I had never felt anything like this before.” Now she was getting much weaker. She felt betrayed, by a brother, a lover, a friend, a chat mate, a seatmate. She was nothing without him. But what to do now?

January passed by swiftly after the tremendous breakdown she had experienced. She was going to turn 16 by the 14th of January. Her life had become a nightmare and her studying had been left behind. She was preoccupied with thoughts and always felt alone. The day before the 14th, one of the boy’s friends told her that there would be a surprise the following day. And there was. As she dropped her bag on the area beside her desk, a boy handed a rectangular object wrapped in a colorful pink, green and purple wrapper. He smiled widely and handed it to her with ease. She was shocked in disbelief. She unwrapped the present and found out it was a journal. The front cover was a painting of water lilies by Monet, and although at first it looked displeasing to the eyes, it captivated her at once. She opened the notebook and found it already full of text. She read and wept. He saw her vulnerability, and wanted to approach her, but how? She was the most pitiful person in the whole place.

One page contained these words:
“ I couldn’t tell you how much sadness and regret I have felt while I wasn’t with you over the short vacation. I have found someone and yet every minute I am with her, you are the only one I think of. My love for you may not be too deep, or too real, yet, but the way I feel for you is quite extraordinary. You keep me hanging on to all the mistakes I keep doing, to always believe in myself, and you are the only person I have ever trusted. I told you things nobody knew about me. I wish the best for you as you turn 14, and remember that I will be here for you. Even though we don’t talk much, I still care for you. Remember that.

P.S. Please give me another chance to show you that I love you. I’ve made a huge mistake but I will do anything to be forgiven. Will you give me another chance to be true and sincere to you? A second chance?”

As she read along these lines, she couldn’t believe it. After all, she was the one he wanted? Her hopes faded in an instant. She couldn’t take it, seeing him holding another girl. And even if he wanted to take her back, she couldn’t dare. She wanted a chance to evade. To leave this memory behind. Forever. Finally, he insisted on approaching her. “Hey, there…” were his frustrated words. She looked at him with embarrassment and pity. “Good…bye…” she uttered. They exchanged a tight hug as she felt the weakest of weak to get up from the floor and leave. But she wanted to. No one forced her but herself.

Once she got home, she packed her bags. As young as she was, she knew what to do. She would live in a different state. Meet new people. To have the notion as if this never ever happened. But that was entirely impossible. This stain that was scratched on her won’t ever fade away. It was the pain she chose to live. She didn’t want to give another try for she didn’t want to get hurt once more. Her heart is too torn apart by what he has done to her. Although she never knew, maybe if she had taken the chance, they might have had a happy ending.

As she lived her life in a new state, the past kept haunting her. It made her regret not accepting the boy’s sincere apology. She brought along her journal, and read it over and over. Ouch. The pain. It may be kept, buried, placed in the deepest hole in your whole body. It may be shut in a drawer, hidden at the farthest part of a cabinet, locked in a tiny box. But no matter how deep you bear it, the pain never leaves your side.

What’s worse, he never really knew how much she loved him. For she cared and loved him so much more than he loved her, she would risk everything and let him go for the sake of his happiness.

***

waterlilies journal w/ Monet painting; January 14; she loves music & art; he loved Science; only one ever trusted person; long IMs;l surprise the day before 14; vacation [in my experience it was no classes because of typhoon]

= ALL nonfiction. All my experience. And others. Are fictional :)

xoxo. ♥

critics! :)

a twist in my story

*title from Secondhand Serenade's song - love it!

P.S.

Was it just me or my life took a big turn last night. I was frustrated and talking over the phone about bearing too much pain that supposed to be thrown away in the trash - seriously. Sometimes I just want to throw a part of myself away - the ugly part. It keeps hitting me back like I'm some kind of dart game. Out of the blue I get a text message from a person I didn't think would be texting me. Or actually communicate with me. Wow. Coincidence much?

So I was really shocked. At least it covered the depression - temporarily though.

But it's so weird!

P.P.S.

Stupid freakin' card. I may have honor but all my grades are 80+ . Must do better 2nd qtr.

xoxo.

♥

damn regrets

Well, they're the ones regretting. I'm the one telling them to be.

Hahaha.

My whole thought yesterday right after Chem class [in the PM] was like.... "HUH?" "Weird!" and my facial expressions were so random I have never been that way. EVER. So curse you person! Hahaha! Nah. Just kidding. I cannot believe it has been years since it had begun. Tsk. Now it's too late. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Oops! I forgot I still have so many things to do. Gah! BI yesterday - I was about to study but I didn't. I was at my cousin's house [only blocks away from ours] playing Guitar Hero on Wii woohoo! I couldn't complete the songs - at first. At least I could na. 6 songs haha so much for being happy x) I want one at homeeeeee :( But oh well. It was fun. I could stay all up night just playing it. Haha.

GTG.

Damn regret! Heh!

explosion

I badly need some insane crazy ideas to get into my head. right. NOW. :O

I have this art proposal due tomorrow and I have just started conceptualizing! So much for pressuring myself. I didn't have the hands of time to actually do this couple of days ago. Hay.

So much for the overload of art rojects, I barely have enough time drawing!

What's worse, a old feeling is forcing its way to come back. But I am not going to allow it. It's just the one-look stares that strikes me back to the "those were the days" notion. I can't even interpret it. There seems to be a message with that look. Tsk. It's kind of bothering me already. And the whole time I was watching Avril's concert I was thinking of that. How couldn't I when all the songs she sang were the memories I had with *. "You were everything, everything that I wanted..." or "When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you..." or maybe even "This guilt trip that you put me on won't mess me up I've done no wrong, any thoughts of you and me have gone away..." - so much for the frustration. This too shall pass. [Greatest Salesman in the World lol x)] Besides, I don't find that disturbing me...it doesn't irritate me even. It makes me feel down-low though. If only. Knew. *must shut up now*

Anyways I don't know how to control the explosion of my head :O I'm stoked!! Aaaaahhh!!! Hahaha! But still a bit happy (?) Yeah I was in a good mood in the afternoon. :D

xoxo♥

my pain won't cover up

I have a lot of changes in my life and alot of updates. Hahaha. Nice :)

So much for my inferiority, I don't need to mind that anymore.

And a big sigh! I got in the honor roll :] I'm the last [again] but at least I got in! Yay me :) Aaand yesterday I watched Avril Lavigne's Best Damn Tour. Well the FOB was much much fun than this but, I had fun BUT, [I was w/ Arielle Chua] and we were talking and she told me something that kind of put me in deep thinking :O I don't know how it could probably affect me one way or another but when I keep thinking about it I feel a sense of regret or "paghihinayang" if you know what I mean. *sigh* Now that I always elaborate on that when I talk to my friends [sort of our old-fashioned spiritual times w/ Tin] I always think, sayang noh. But then again, I couldn't judge destiny. What's meant to be will always find its way. Maybe it wasn't fate. Oh well.

This week is a big WAH! I am super super busy I'm just sinking in a bit time to write here because I really feel like writing some thoughts here, now that I'm journal-less. So I am joining drawing contests, first this Lucky Me Lid The Way thingy, which my mom told me to join. [Wish me luck!] *sigh* actually I find no purpose in joining contests because it's like you're being compared to other artists. And the point is that everyone has different styles & perspectives when it comes to art so why bother having a contest, right? Except that I wanted to at least feel achieved and have a higher and better outlook on myself through those stuffs. And I want to earn money by contest! x) x) Hahaha. Then the other one naman our Chinese HS HeadTeacher is asking me to join and I have no idea yet for the concept! It's due Saturday [concept palang] I only have ONE DAY to think! Waaaaah :) But I like this pressure. It keeps me going on. Except I still have a lot of left-behind thoughts, and pending artworkkkkk! :( AND the Batch Partyyyyy! Aww men T________T

Ok gtg now. Hahaha. I'm in a rush!

xoxo ♥