• sonnet sadness •

I can't say I'm a good writer - I'm not; I just base all my thoughts from experiences I've had that are way more worse than anyone I could ever now. Some have experienced pain, but they have almost found their happy endings. Me? I'm still stuck to this memory of sadness which keeps me inspired to write more and more.

Talk about getting addicted to poetry - I remember last year [oh I miss that time...it was the hardest turning point of my teenage life...] when me & well, my friend were still *close and we would write haikus until midnight before we go to sleep. Hahaha. I think overall I made over 30 haikus?! We kept on writing nonsensical stuff eh. Haha! And now it's on sonnets. Of course, I don't do that routine of staying uplate, writing sonnets nonstop. I could just rely on my old journals and some unwinding tunes of melodies I once loved...How sad...

*sigh*

I used my sonnet entitled "Remnant" for the parchment thingy. I even used Calligraphy thanks to Peter's Guide to Calligraphy book. Mr. Rillo liked it hahahaha. But this is Daph's fave, and it's the only one posted in the PC so I'll copy-paste it:

Behind Everything

We see thy self as a hidden door;

Finding the open windows that lead us to where

Thy hopes have brought us in store;

In the unseen realities that will take us there.

Who are we, behind this mask?

Full of stained memories holding back;

To the painful yesterdays thy never bask;

Never making up for the things thou lack.

In the bittersweet victory of today,

Our covered wounds from eternal stain;

Bring us closer to remembering that day;

When we felt the anxiety of deep pain.

An uncleansed soul lies beneath one's broken past -

And behind those perfect beams leave a cut that will forever last.

x o x o.

I have to get to bed. Tomorrow's a new & hectic day!

Tell me what you think - it's a personal-inspired sonnet. I'll post "Remnant" one of these days.

♥ • ♥

Sound-sanity!

• quest •

I haven't blogged for more than a week! Because the internet was cut and I am so busy and there are a lot of complications with my life.

First of all, I'm gotten over my biPolar sickness. It lasted for only 3-4 days. Thank goodness! I'd freak for the rest of my life if I were that insane. Besides, there's nothing to be depressed in my boring school life [yes, very boring] and nothing to be happy about it either. My grades are so far so-so, it's doing fairly, at least improving from the low grades last June. And I can't believe next week is already Exam Week! And I'm getting my copy of Breaking Dawn already! Wee! I hope I could read it while stressing over stupid foolish and not to mention HARD projects this First Quarter!

Second of all, no classes today! Thanks to the SONA thing - but I don't care. In fact, for me it's all lies, so I just spent awhile ago with my mom and my head is aching right now because of the coffee I drank in Krispy Kreme - my gosh I think I'm not used to it or something. I feel like bursting into tiny little pieces! :O :O Anyways, I've lost idea of what I am going to write today - hmm, let's see. We've been doing a lot of malling and eating out these days...at least I still expose myself going out and loosening up a bit. This heavy workload is killing me! And since my friends say I have big eyebags already I made a curfew that I should be in bed no later than 9:30 pm. Hahaha. And I don't have much time to study unless I cut off my TV time, which is watching cooking shows - yes, big fan - EVERY DAY. Hahaha. At least I off it sometimes - it reruns eh.

I haven't updated myself with music already but it does feel nice to at least unwind with the old faves like Collide, Tongue Tied, Six Feet Under The Stars...just some of my favorites :D Speaking of which it was very relaxing to just play my guitar the other day...like hearing a wonderful melody [but I'm still not good at playing...] Hayy...I can't handle this much pressure...

And even if I've gotten over depressions, there's still a missing piece in my puzzle. I've tried covering it up but I guess that piece will always be for the people who comprised my history, my memory - no matter how painful and how twisted things were, it will always be there.

Oh, and BTW I find it really hard not being classmates with my best friends. We only see each other during breaks, talk mostly 24/7 about homework...sometimes it's okay but sometimes I could've wished we were classmates. :( At least there's club hour. Oh man speaking of club hour last Saturday I could almost lose my voice - it isn't easy shouting infront of 50+ members plus there was NO teacher! Gah! But I didn't hate it; I thought it was pretty fun bossing around people and having them respecting me & my fellow officers :) And besides we were the ones who were gonna propose ideas for the club hours. I thought maybe customize own bags, sneakers & shirts and sell in the School Fair. Not bad, eh? I've always wished that I could get paid for doing art! x) LOL. Speaking of "art", I need to change this layout - fast! I'm getting sick of it eh. Hahaha. I want to do my own but I don't think I have the time so. I'll just look around.

That's it for now. More next time. My head is aching - BAD! :(

♥ abi • ♥

BiPolar! :)

Daph & I agreed on writing about our BiPolar disorder x) Actually mine is sort of a "depression" but ironically speaking, I'm catching up in a good mood right now. Duh, I'm listening to Joe Jonas' voice! How can I not feel so in love x)

I just watched Camp Rock yesterday, so awesome. I love the songs! I'm already downloading it now x) My faves are Play My Music, This is Me and of course I Gotta Find You. Joe & Demi's chemistry is super...they're fit to play the parts :) Nice movie :)

Anyways, going back to reality [reality check!] awhile ago I was so BiPolar - ask Daphne! Nabaliw ako sobra kanina because everything was clashing into my head like so many ants trying to steal food with no more space [wow what a stupid comparison xD] so I was really freaking out! I didn't like this day at all. It was so...over-the-top. And hello, it rained. And it was brownout awhile ago. And it was really massively HOT.

Things have gone back to normal phase, somehow, not really. So it turns out the things that happened just blinked and disappeared like woosh. Been doing love counseling to Kristin and it turns out it's all going to end :( But at least, I helped :) It really helps being experienced when it comes to love. I think I've already been through all the negative sides of it. Of course there are also positive sides, like the way you would freeze when he walks by, the eye contacts, the whatevers...haha! I don't like to elaborate on it. I'm over it any way. When I see those people I just greet them and it's always that way. At least. :

I am unfortunately unable to talk about being BiPolar anymore because at the moment my current mood is happy, ambitious, glad, optimistic. Yeah. All things positive X) The hell? Haha.

Most of it is because there's not much homework. NO CHINESE HOMEWORK! Yay! :D

Woops it's almost 8. Back to "work"! X)

♥ • ♥

Soundsanity!

• Listen to Play My Music by The Jonas Brothers. Super nice!

Roller coaster

Everything has just begun.

And yes, I'm completely getting freakish-ly insane with my life. I don't know what to take care of - the pressure I feel with my mom [hello noh! she's telling me to eat practically nothing just so I could lose weight because she thinks I'm overly fat], the conflict between friendships [hey, they should know their limits into squishing themselves in our clique], art [I suck at it! I really do! I don't even have the precious gift of time to do more artworks!] and lastly, studies [wow...80 in Hua Won...80+ in GEs and quizzes...]

So it's not just about "love" I'm frustrating about. In fact, I tend to disregard that at all. Those 4 dilemmas you've read are the ones that are bugging the hell out of me. Lalo na yung first. I accidentally shouted at my mom awhile ago because she was so over-the-top. Actually, I've already lost like, 2lbs or something over last week, by suffering myself with hunger during recess and eating less than what I need every single day. I know my limits, she doesn't need to tell me and compare me to her [because she is also on diet] and I don't need her consent. My cousin even tells me not to listen to her and instead think of your own concern. It's my choice anyways! And my friends are kinda helping me cope with that. Malamang, my mom keeps on embarassing me in front of my relatives, and friends, UGH.

Okay lets not elaborate on that "weight-loss" thing. It's kind of personal.

Now this fiend is trying to break our barkada up since Wednesday! I don't even wanna talk about this too. She could at least go to her real best friends and stop hanging out with us...during lunch...I miss F4L! To the point that I don't see Joyce everyday already, and I only talk to Nix & Tin..its missing a piece...I felt so glad when I saw 3 of them yesterday dismissal. It was like a rainbow was formed again. I just can't take all this. It's really killing me in and out.

It's fighting my feelings and at the same time battling with my emotions...either do this or that, this or that. UGH! Especially the studies part, I have no idea why I'm getting really low grades! What the hell! And also I don't like some of our new classmates. I thought they were okay but one of them was really rude to me, like she hates me. WTF? Sorry to say but othey have to prove to me that they are more than my classmates. I don't think I made any friends at all. I've known some of them before - thats a good thing.

*sigh* I think I need some resting. I had insomnia last night and slept for only 5 hours! Beat that! I'm so sleepy right now and I have to wrap up the Speech thing for Fil, and I'm gonna watch Camp Rock to relieve my stress off.

I HATE MY LIFE! It's so useless! What's the point of living when I don't even have the motivation to move forward and never look back when all of these things are already sucking my mind & heart up there's no more air to breathe? No chance to take?

♥ • ♥

C • H • A • N • G • E

There's a lot of reasons why I have that title. Just as what I've learned from our AP Teacher awhile ago, he said, "The only thing constant in life is change." I came into conclusion and agreed. I mean, it is really true, right? Everything changes. From the way we used to love, to the way we would treat people, and most importantly, the way they treat us. Your old lover could now be your worst enemy, or he could be a ghost you don't mind seeing across the hallways. You old best friend could be a different person from who you thought she was, she could be forgetting all about you by now.

So I think we should accept change. I can't believe I'm saying this, 'cause I never liked things to change. Ever. I mean imagine life without change. I'd still be making memories with the person I used to like. With people I loved hanging out with. But life goes on. We can't change things.

Changes I experienced today:

• I just opened my dA account. They changed the whole interface to v6! Whoa! It's so hi-tech! And so awesome! :)

• I have changed my attitude. Yesterday I felt really weak, really depressed, really wanting to die. Today I've become more optimistic, I decided to stay away from anger, hurt, vulnerability...it's not worth the tears. I mean, right? Be strong - Believe :) Everything will be all right.

• People have changed. It's quite weird, but I find it pretty nice :) Except, if I could clearly remember last year when suddenly people changed. Now that was frustrating.

Anyways, I think it's really up to our thoughts and feelings if we want to feel this way, but I have no absolute idea why I have just lost my depression in a snap. Maybe because I felt free, I felt so happy and I felt so grateful I have my best friends just in the corner. I mean, I think it was because of Tin that's why I lost my depression. I kept on laughing when she called last night. Trust me, she is a great psychiatrist! She helped me forget about *. Seriously! Hahaha. Noong F C M ata yun eh. Spiritual time :)

So now I feel that I may be acquiring a little peace of mind. Just a little palang.

And I don't think I need to find love. I've searched everywhere, and I end up getting hurt myself. I don't want to feel that certain way anymore. One is enough. Oops, I mean, TWO is enough. Maybe if it comes to love, I'll just wait. It'll find me - in time :)

Smile :) Never frown. That's one thing I learned from the 2-day depression I had : I mean, the 2-day lifeless life I lived.

♥ • ♥

Homework! :OOO

I hope I could watch Camp Rock on Sunday! If the one I dloded is in good quality :) [JOE ♥]

it's empty.

I think I'm very very frustrated with my life. VERY.

First of all, I'm very preoccupied trying to make my life as better as ever, like it's so possible. Seriously. Ever since this school year started, my life became so...dead. I feel so lifeless right now. I could shed in tears any time now. My life seems to revolve on absolutely NOTHING I can think of. My brain is too full with studies, but that's not it. Studies don't make up most of my life, it's the people around me and the things I love doing which makes me complete. And I've realized that, despite the quality of having the best friends ever, and almost reaching my goals in life, I'm incomplete. I feel empty. My heart - is empty.

And as much as I could try to pamper myself & cheer myself up, there comes a certain time in a day that I would break down and feel so weak. I've never been this weak my whole life. In fact, I've never felt this agony all filling up the sorrow and wounds I can still find under my skin. I feel so useless right now. And I think it's most probably because I'm not used to being alone, not used to being with new people - namely, my classroom, and of course how can I not forget, that I can't even feel hapy anymore because I have no time to draw at all! And everywhere around me I know they try helping me to cope, esp. my friends, but deep inside, I know I'm the only one who can fix this bizaare empty feeling. But I CAN'T!

What the hell is wrong with me? It's like I need to go to a psychiatrist or something. Or I'm just bummed with my own boring old LAME life.

I could die now.

torn

As much as weird as it sounds I don't have any time to blog at all. When I'm using the computer it's either I do a research, prinmt some handouts...just, all stuff you can think of related to school. Ugh! It bugs me very much to think of it. I don't even have time for anything anymore.

And I've lost the "blogging mood". I have no idea what's wrong with me...I feel bad not writing all the things happening, for over 4 months already, but I don't feel the urge to write at all. At the point, the only thing I can do is endure the pain -physically, emotionally, mentally - the pain of having to stress myself all day & night, the pain of feeling empty -the least, my life is as boring as ever, the pain of not finding the perfect way to express art - like, I'm in the deepest pit right now, with no creativity motives at all - guess I wasted it on that frikin Speak English poster. Anyways, let's just hope I could put my life back together and hopefully fill up the missing pieces - which means, filling up everything. EVERYTHING.

unforgettable.

I didn't realize I've been blogging for two years already! Haha. I don't know why but I find it actually fun to blog. Besides, my journal lately has been so useless due to my boring old 3rd Year life. So most of the significant events are just written here :)

No classes on Saturday! Wee! :) I hope I could fix my layout already. But I have to finish the "Speak English" Poster first. I colored a part of it already, it took me 2 hours to color 1/4 of the page! :O But it was well worth it. Wish me luck!

• 31 days until Breaking Dawn! •

♥ • ♥
Updates on School:

• I got into Scratch & Science Club with Kristin, Ghia, Mathew & Alvin & Joyce [she didn't get to Scratch though..] :) Haha. There's a possible chance I will become an officer for Sci Club, Ghia nominated me for PRO! x) Actually, we all nominated each other XD Wahaha. Also in Scratch. And unexpectedly I ended up being the Vice President :O 2nd batch :O Kristin is Asst. Sec., Ghia is Asst. Treasurer & Mathew is Boy Marshal! Haha obvious na obvious we nominated ourselves :)) But I was shocked 'cause like 20+ people voted for me, and half of them I don't know personally! They know me in dA though. So dA really helps! x)

• Tomorrow's our first test in Chinese. I didn't study much, so-so only, I'll review later on.

• I hate our groupings in Filipino! Because I always have to do the frikin' work. P.S. I'm not the leader :

♥ • ♥

Regarding the title: hmmm...wala lang :) Sometimes I really say everything's over, but I always have a tingling sensation when I read my old entries, like at the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "wow, kakamiss din noh...too bad it's all over... :)" *sigh* Life goes on.

a year ago.

If you wind back the time and remember this date, well, for me it was very important - July 1. I can't say why, but after what happened in June 30 last year, I almost felt like heaven was in my arms now. Not realizing how selfish I was of holding on to it, not knowing it will eventually fade away.

I couldn't explain the happiness and struggle I felt just minutes ago, when I typed in the link, viewed it, read the entries. It was so...carefree. It was so different already. I didn't know who was the one writing when I look now at that person. I can't believe how much has changed in a nick of time. I can't say I never changed, I did; but I didn't change for the worse, in my opinion. In fact, this may sound really off-track, or rather awkward, but if I never knew him, would I still be what everyone knows as an "artist"? Everything was derived from just a single person, can you imagine? I don't think I would be so drastically different from the person I once was when I began High School. Wow. I wish I could feel the warmth and peace that I always wished I had, I know it's all over, it's all done, it will probably never collide with my present ever, but there's really something in me that has a place for all that...the pain, the weakness, vulenrability, at the same time balanced with fun, memories, experience...everything.

Grabe right now I feel so...I don't know what I'm feeling! Grateful? Thankful? Sad? I just miss it. And I know it will never be the same anymore.

♥ • ♥

I have absolutely no idea why am I writing everything here. If people read it...oh well. I just feel so... i-don't-know-at-all right now.

For hell's sake I am not even updating my Updates on Life 2: On With the Journey journal anymore! Maybe it's beause life has become boring without love. Haha. Or...I'm just lazy to write 'cause there's nothing really interesting about my life right now.

♥ • ♥

"People always tell me to move on, forget, look away; but in the end, when you look back at the past - you won't regret a single thing, not one, because every single moment, made you who you are today, who you are tomorrow."

school bummers

To sum it all up, School's suddenly turning into hell! I'm in total crunch time at the moment, and whoa! I'm getting insane by the moment!

So I'm not sure if I'd blog all the time, unlike summer :O

UGH.