closed doors

There's just a big wide wall between me and criticism. It's so drastically frustrating me every single second of my life.

Some people might say, you do learn from criticism, and I do agree with that but sometimes I feel like falling overboard with the drastic comments I've received throughout my whole life. Especially about my physical appearance, but that's not the thing here. They are the most painful ones that never escaped my thoughts. Even the times when I was growing people kept on talking about me negatively. As if I am that bad! I may fall, yeah, but I am not open to it. Besides I think I've fallen too many times already. My first 2 years in high school was a big pain to me because I had to fall apart and tear myself into pieces to get to where I am now. Corny or exaggerated as it sounds but everyone does know my sensitivity and I am not capable of wanting people's comments on my works either in art of literary context. Okay you can comment but do it in a nice way gad. You don't have to use over the top DEEP words and have me interpret it literally, I even asked my classmate to tell me what the heck it means. And it hurt so bad. Hello noh I just came home from Ateneo, overstressed, uber tired, drawing my ass off for only 2 hours! But it was fun. So I took a nap when I got home, super relaxing, then I eat dinner, and next thing I know this is what I see.

GREAT.

I'm still unsure whether she* hates me or not but, I don't hate her. I am simply disappointed of myself that's why I blame it on other people. I'm not very good at defining myself, really, because I usually derive my own perception of my self-identity with the things and stuff people tell about me, that's why I'm easily prone to vulnerability. And I'm not skilled much in writing. It is simply a habit I do often - I write blogs, journals and random thoughts. It's just interconnected with my artistry. As an artist, I tend to explore a lot about things, I'm very [yes, very] observant. If you think I didn't see you just because I am probably talking to a person or doing something, think again. I may have blurred eyesight but my vision is perfectly fine. And I didn't have any formal education on writing, I was just influenced by someone way back in firstyear.

That did make all the difference, I'm very fortunate to have met him for that.
Unfortunately, and ironically, I am suffering because of my writing skills.
Great.

I hope I'd be able to open my doors to hate and critiques. Maybe I'm just making a big deal about it because one of the top things I get from drawing is constructive criticism. Well, except in school. People adore my stuff, but my friends are the best critics. Esp. Kristin. She can make my heart sink in just a fragment of her criticism. But at least it's for the better. Hay.

I need to rest for a least 8 hours. I've been seeping for only 5 hours and 3 hours. My goodness.

I did have a fun time even if I lost in the art contest. Haha. The judenites were super spportive of me and super driving me to do the best in the competition. For me it was nice. Good conceptualization for an impromptu artwork. Just that mine is, as always, my favorite word, DETAILED, and well, you know, old people, they hate seeing those [except some of my teachers haha they like it] and old people were the judges, and they're so dumb [not for picking me, i dont care] for picking the STEREOTYPE winners of these friggin' contests.

Someday I am going to be an art critic. Wee :) Arts was my highest in the vocational testing yesterday that had me almost turning into a dumb idiotic freak after that test. Hahaha. It was agony all in one.

Anyways, it felt good doing my best. I just could've done better if there was more time, maybe 4 hours instead of 2 hours :) I'm too slow :)) But cutting classes was worth it.

Hindi ako magsusulat ng siao khai! YAY! :)

:D

Currently *calmed* at the moment. Thanks for the advice people. Dami niyo nagcomfort hahaha.

[takes a deep breath]

I can breathe well now. xD