Agony without art.

[and agony without reading Eclipse yet, but I'm trying to get over the depression.]

It isn't easy taking a fair break from something I've always loved doing. I had to resist, somehow, ashamed, scared to hold up a pen and end up with a bunch of crap doodles fixed over no concept or certain idea or vision. That's what it's been like for almost a month now. And the more I think of it, the more depressed I feel [malamang] because its' like I don't even take out some paper & experiment. Why? I'm really scared. Afraid taking risks & leaving my comfort zone. Not only that, I pretty much keep myself occupied with other things lately I barely have time to sit in a corner and draw. But not now, really. School's almost arriving and the more I think of it the less I could probably think of doing a last minute drawing to sum up all I did this summer.

The nerve, I hate it when I open my dA account and find messages getting lower, pageviews not increasing, but worst of all, no addition of new deviations on my palette. When everyone thinks drawing is just knowing the basics, I'd have to say it's probably worse than that. And more complicated. It's not like everyone could just come up with something, exhibit it on paper and not knowing what the hell it means - that's just like saying you draw something without even knowing it was you who did it. One way or another it just is pressuring me right now. Yes, that's the perfect word for it. Pressure. Oh well, as much as I have died trying to do away good outcomes with my art, I'm sad to say I've pretty much failed.

But I didn't say I'm giving up.

Maybe I won't. I guess I've done too much artsy works over a year now. like, 20+ or 30+, counting my "old" artworks that I mostly hate, because I've neglected it's "once" beauty. Perhaps everything will find its way somehow. And someday I'd be able to regain my creativity & probably, luck.